Quotations and Quips about Aviation

• New FAA motto:"We're not happy, till you're not happy."
  
• Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
  
  
• A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
  
  
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
  
  
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  
  
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
  
  
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
  
  
• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
  
  
• A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
  
  
• Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
  
  
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation: start with a large fortune.
  
  
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
  
  
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
  
  
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  
  
• You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  
  
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
  
  
• Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
  
  
• Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
  
  
• Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
  
  
• Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
  
  
• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
  
  
• When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
  Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'
  
  
• The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is
  when it is on fire. Sir Charles Kingsford Smith
  
  
• If you can't afford to do something right, then be darn
  sure you can afford to do it wrong. Charlie Nelson
  
  
• Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your
  funeral will be held on a sunny day. Layton A. Bennett
  
  
• I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out
  of single motored airplanes at night. Charles A. Lindbergh, to
  Wiley Post, 1931
  
  
• Never fly the 'A' model of anything. Ed Thompson
  
  
• Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and
  smite thee. William Kershner
  
  
• When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the
  softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as
  possible. Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.
  
  
• Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket. - Bevo Howard
  
  
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
  barely kill you. attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot
  
  
• A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
  his plane to its maximum. Jon McBride, astronaut
  
  
• If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as
  far into the crash as possible. Bob Hoover
  
  
• If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on
  it. Ride the bastard down. Ernest K. Gann
  
  
• Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
  80,000 feet and Climbing. Sign over the entrance to the SR-71
  operating location on Kadena AB Okinawa.
  
  
• You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F Crickmore
  
  
• The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's
  the one you can't train for that kills you. - Ernest K. Gann
  
  
• If you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know
  when to push it, and when to back off. Chuck Yeager
  
  
• Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
  you. Richard Herman Jr., 'Firebreak'
  
  
• There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. Sign
  over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. (It was still there
  in 1972.)
  
  
• Life is simple. Eat, sleep, fly.
  
  
• Try not to die all tensed up.
  
  
• The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and good
  bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
  opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time.
  
  
• (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of
  an A-320.) "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
  
  
• It only takes two things to fly:--- airspeed and money.
  
  
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
  pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
  
  
• It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and
  head into the ground.
  
  
• The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the
  engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.
  
  
• A copilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12
  o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
  
  
• Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
  
  
• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
  
  
• I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.
  
  
• Basic Flying Rules:
  • Try to stay in the middle of the air.
  • Do not go near the edges of it.
  • The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
    buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to
    fly there.
    
    
• Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful
  landing attempt: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."