Collection of Bar Jokes

1. A guy goes into a bar/restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.
   
   
2. A duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
   
   
3. A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She tells him to get lost. Not willing to give up, he pleads with her: "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy!"
   
   
4. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"
   
   
5. Two strings are outside a bar... The first string walks in and the bartender immediately throws him out, yelling "I don't serve strings in this bar!" The other string ruffs himself up, walks in, and curls up. The bartender says, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy? Aren't you a string, too?" The string says, "No, I'm afraid not..."
   
   
6. A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
   
   
7. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
   
   
8. A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla nods "I'm not surprised at these prices.."
   
   
9. A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" she asks. "No." is the reply. A few minutes later the dog bites her leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the woman says indignantly. "He doesn't; that's not my dog."
   
   
10. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
    
    
11. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
    
    
12. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man what shot my paw..."
    
    
13. A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
    
    
14. A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
    
    
15. A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he says...
    
    
16. A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
    
    
17. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted...
    
    
18. Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," says one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", says the other. "Okay," replies the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
    
    
19. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
    
    
20. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender (a tub of cottage cheese) says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."