Word Play: Dictionary Redefinitions

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.

Abdicate:  v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash:  n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard:  n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma:  n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent:  n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee:  n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade:  v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted:  adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence:  n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle:  n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Internet:  n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.

Lymph:  v., to walk with a lisp.

Macadam:  n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.

Marionettes:  n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent:  adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster:  n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Rectitude:  n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he or she examines you.

Semantics:  n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Testicle:  n., a humorous question on an exam.

Willy-nilly:  adj., impotent.