Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my
husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out
exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's
is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive.
I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will
my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning
sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband
has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby
will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts,
rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that
gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't
been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often
strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so
moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the
end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months
pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not
pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the
delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital
to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will
my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.